‘There are certain show-business expressions that just drip noirish class, and the venerable Vanity Fair writer Dominick Dunne deployed one earlier this year when describing a frustrated attempt to get an audience with Elizabeth Taylor. Invited to the actress's Bel Air mansion on the understanding that "she doesn't see many people but would like you to come by", Dunne presented himself at the appointed hour but "waited and waited and waited" in vain as the screen legend failed to appear. "Perhaps it's true what they're saying," he later mused, "that Elizabeth has shut the door."
‘"Shut the door..." What a gloriously old-world phrase for that moment a legend, her best days long behind her, decides the time has come to retreat from public gaze, often to brood bitterly on the glamour of yesteryear and the utter inferiority of today's young pretenders. As with all such delicious expressions, I'd been searching for the right moment to use it myself and was finally rewarded this week by some extraordinary news from Manchester: Alex Ferguson is refusing to speak to MUTV.
‘That's right. The United manager has decided to deny access to an outfit that would make Robert Mugabe's state news agency look off-message. Perhaps it's true what they're saying, I mused. Perhaps Sir Alex has shut the door.
‘The precise details of MUTV's impudence are unclear although, through the red mist, experts can just about make out the outline of some perceived slight on Fergie's tactics. But let's be realistic. This is not like the Prime Minister refusing to go on the Today programme. This is like the Prime Minister refusing to be interviewed by Little Ant and Dec again on the basis that last time one of them looked at him in a funny way. So it may be painful but we have to accept it. Sir Alex has become the Norma Desmond of the Premiership.
‘Still, you never know: if Sir Alex has taken the general apathy towards Premiership football to heart, he may well consider that, since this latest spat makes him look as if he's finally lost the plot anyway, he may as well go the whole hog and take it upon himself to do something dramatic enough to send public interest back to the sky-high levels of the past. I see Old Trafford, straight after Man U's next 0-0 draw, pictures courtesy of MUTV. I see Norma, arms outstretched, masticating furiously and emoting for all he's worth at the cameras as he sweeps down the stairs. You know what? I think he's ready for his close-up.’