‘All Yorkshiremen end up as either Geoffrey Boycott or Alan 'Sniffer' Clarke. And if you don't know what the formerly greyhound-svelte and lithesome ex-Leeds striker has ended up like, then I can tell you. He's ended up like Geoffrey Boycott.
And Leeds fans are the quintessential Yorkshiremen. Their distinguishing characteristics are:
- A passionate hatred of Manchester United;
2) A passionate conviction that there is a massive, world-wide conspiracy to do down Leeds (with its nerve centre at Old Trafford);
3) Extremely hairy ears;
4) That's it.
Being trapped in a car with Leeds fans (as I am, every Sunday after playing football) is a frightening experience. The conversation will start with vividly recalled replays of every single penalty, free-kick and throw-in that Man Utd have ever been awarded and how these are PROOF that there is a massive, world-wide conspiracy to do down Leeds.
Next up will be the FACT that British football grounds held a minute's silence after the death of Sir Matt Busby - but did NOWT when Don Revie popped clog (and how this is PROOF etc etc etc).
Hence the idea for this week's column. I've lured my Leeds-supporting flatmate, Martin, down the pub to watch Manchester United v Everton. Now Martin's the nicest Yorkshireman you could ever wish to meet. Polite, shy, modest, generous - godammit, he's a saint. Until, of course, you mention Man Utd.
So the idea is this - can I wind Martin up so much that he'll hit me?
My arguments are lined up like so many cattle prods.
I'll start by stating that Leeds should take down that statue they've got of Billy Bremner - and replace it with one of Eric Cantona (self-evidently the greatest player Leeds ever had).
And I'll probably finish by explaining that so many people hate "trendy" Man United (because they're "trendy") that it has now become "trendy" to hate Man Utd. In fact Man Utd haters are like Radiohead fans - sick freaks who are only happy when they listen to music which makes then sad. Which means that Leeds fans are, by definition, weird perverts.’