FROM GIDDY SCHOOLGIRL TO BEELZEBUB

"Look into ma eyes, look into ma eyes, ye are feelin drowsy, ye have lost yer grip. Look into ma eyes, look into ma eyes, ye have lost the will to succeed, the will to live." Move over, Derren Brown. Sir Alex Ferguson is back, and he's bigger, better and more Beelzebubish than ever.

To see him on Sunday, you would have thought he had already won the Premiership. Far from it - of course, Chelsea are still likely to hold on to the title, and as our own Richard Williams said, "it would now take an act of God" to stop them. Or perhaps the (Red) Devil.

Step into the breach, Sir Alex. How he's revelling in his role as tormentor in chief. I get the impression that he would be happier driving Jose Mourinho to a nervous breakdown and finishing a point behind Chelsea then he would be reclaiming the Premiership crown from a sane Special One.

His performance recently has been superb. Day by day he turns the screw that little bit tighter, every word brilliantly crafted to destabilise his rival at Stamford Bridge.

Meanwhile, He Who Shall Be Obeyed, the snarling Scotsman, has morphed into something akin to a giddy schoolgirl. Did you see him grinning his way through the Arsenal match? Amazing. When Wayne Rooney scored his goal, his manager jumped into the air, waved his hands above his head and did the macarena. The way he's going on, he may well start talking to the BBC again and invite the Beckhams round for Easter - anything, so long as it undermines Chelsea.

At the weekend, he gave a master class in destabilisation. Take his analysis of Chelsea's run-in. Bolton away - they're not going to lose five games on the trot, and what with those swirling winds up north . . . Blackburn away? Wouldn't fancy that. And haven't they just discovered a dead swan round that way? Newcastle away - St James' Park is always tough, but playing there in Alan Shearer's final game? No thanks. The last touch was brilliant - probably the best bit of geeing up Shearer has had in years.

How the American military would treasure him. They could get save themselves billions of dollars, get rid of the whole psyops department, and replace it with Sir Alex. Who needs megawatt rock music to coax General Noriega out of his shell when you could send Fergie in to do the business? He would have quietly told the Panamanian dictator that a week is a long time in siege politics and that he doubted whether he had the mental strength to stay the course, and the general would have been waving the white flag before you could say "Operation Just Cause".

As for Guantanamo Bay - orange body suits, Koran abuse and the sexual humiliation of al-Qaida suspects? All unnecessary. Send Fergie in. He would sit there, alternately grinning and snarling - both equally scary - chewing ever louder till the prisoners cracked up with tinnitus. If they were guilty of anything they would confess before you could say "Shock and Awe". Even if they weren't, they would fess up.

Fergie is cruel, cunning, twisted, manipulative, dangerous, indestructible. What an asset he could be to the war on terror. The man's wasted in football.