BIG GAME TODAY

If you can’t make it then you might like to join your fellow Reds in the following, as led by Reverend redplanet, off RI’s forum:

Dear Lord

It's me again. You know, your faithful (most of the time) servant redplanet. Hi. Um. Thank you for me being in good health and of sound mind and still looking sharp as ever.

I'd like to broach a sensitive subject with you. You have been a little harsh recently. Not that I'm criticising - no way! - but yes, life has been a bit tough on the football front. I'm not one to whinge unnecessarily - ok, ok, let's just move on shall we? - but I'm beginning to think that you have some dark plans for Manchester United fans.

Playing turgid football I can handle, Lord. Not winning trophies is hard, but I am humble, my Lord. I can take it. The death of Manchester United FC stings a bit too, if I'm honest. Yep, I could really do without that. But it's all part of your plan I assume.

But I have one very simple thing to ask you now. One favour. If you do this, I will be nice to everyone forever and ever. I will never judge people. I will never swear. I will pray to you every night. I will worship you in whichever denominational flavour you fancy. I will refrain from sex before marriage. Yes, yes, I know I'm already married, but it's the principle that counts.

You know what I'm asking. At 22:00 BST tomorrow evening, let Maldini be holding the European Cup. Don't let the permed forces of darkness get their grubby hands on the Grail. It would break me. Forever.

Just one favour, for little old me. What do you say? Eh? Just give me a little sign to show that you're on the case.

*lightbulb explodes. room goes dark.*