....on his future when questioned in Italy by desperate hack hordes; he's "just
there for a family holiday," he insists.
30-ITEM MEGA-RUMOUR-AND-ARFS-AND-TRIV ROUNDUP
....on his future when questioned in Italy by desperate hack hordes; he's "just
there for a family holiday," he insists.
VERON 'VANITY' TARGETED BY EYETIES
An Argy hack quoted in IoS: "Veron is not a bad man but he IS vain.his ego is
flattered by the Juventus attention."
An Argy hack quoted in IoS: "Veron is not a bad man but he IS vain.his ego is
flattered by the Juventus attention."
WICKED WHISPER
From 3 am in the Mirror: A PL boss and his assistant have been getting
naughty with a pair of Stringfellows lap dancers at a hotel, offering the girls a
'private dance' by the pair of 'em. Wonder who it is?
From 3 am in the Mirror: A PL boss and his assistant have been getting
naughty with a pair of Stringfellows lap dancers at a hotel, offering the girls a
'private dance' by the pair of 'em. Wonder who it is?
UTD TARGET HIGHBURY-BOUND?
Arsenal want to sign PSV Eindhoven defender Kevin Hofland, according to
Hofland himself. Good riddance: he's been shit this season, and is a mouthy
presumptuous fuck to boot.
Arsenal want to sign PSV Eindhoven defender Kevin Hofland, according to
Hofland himself. Good riddance: he's been shit this season, and is a mouthy
presumptuous fuck to boot.
GEORDIES LAUGHED OUT OF COURT
Newcastle's ambitious £10m bid for Brazilian forward Rivaldo is dead,
according to a couple of tabs. Like it was ever alive!
Newcastle's ambitious £10m bid for Brazilian forward Rivaldo is dead,
according to a couple of tabs. Like it was ever alive!
WALLWORK FINALLY OFFLOADED
Ronnie Wallwork, surplus to requirements at United, is set to sign for
Portsmouth on a free transfer this week. He chose 'em over West Brom. Now
it can be revealed that he's been the source of a good few juicy stories that
have surfaced in Redish over the past 18 months. Not a Fergie Fave, that's
for sure.
Ronnie Wallwork, surplus to requirements at United, is set to sign for
Portsmouth on a free transfer this week. He chose 'em over West Brom. Now
it can be revealed that he's been the source of a good few juicy stories that
have surfaced in Redish over the past 18 months. Not a Fergie Fave, that's
for sure.
GEORDIES TO SIGN ORTEGA? ER, NO.
The NOTW reckoned on Sunday that Newcastle were poised to sign
Argentina's Ariel Ortega. Erm, I don't think so; it was announced he'd joined
Fenerbahce from River Plate for £6m four days ago and they've already
started selling his shirts in their club shop. [p.s. 6 mill - what a fucking bargain!
Cheaper than Forlorn and proven quality.]
The NOTW reckoned on Sunday that Newcastle were poised to sign
Argentina's Ariel Ortega. Erm, I don't think so; it was announced he'd joined
Fenerbahce from River Plate for £6m four days ago and they've already
started selling his shirts in their club shop. [p.s. 6 mill - what a fucking bargain!
Cheaper than Forlorn and proven quality.]
MORE TRANSFER RUMOURS THAT SMELL OF BULLSHIT
Bolton Wanderer's Sam Allardyce has 'revealed' that the club was within a
whisker of signing Roma's Brazil star Aldair and Barcelona's Abelardo. Terms
had been agreed with both players, he told the club's website, only for the
deals to collapse at the last minute. Yeah, right.
Bolton Wanderer's Sam Allardyce has 'revealed' that the club was within a
whisker of signing Roma's Brazil star Aldair and Barcelona's Abelardo. Terms
had been agreed with both players, he told the club's website, only for the
deals to collapse at the last minute. Yeah, right.
Ditto this from some Sunday tab: Quinton Fortune is wanted by Inter Milan.
Hahaha. Ok, signor, ten mill and he's yours. What bollox!
Hahaha. Ok, signor, ten mill and he's yours. What bollox!
And after Sunday's Irish game, can I say this of the supposed United targets -
Finnan? no way; Duff? yes please.
Finnan? no way; Duff? yes please.
AND SO IT BEGINS..
SKY have, predictably, chosen West Brom's visit to Old Trafford for the
opening live game of the new Premiership season on Sunday, August 18.
SKY have, predictably, chosen West Brom's visit to Old Trafford for the
opening live game of the new Premiership season on Sunday, August 18.
LATEST SCORE: ITV 3 BBC 1
Bigmouth called this one early last week - ITV are whupping the Beeb's butt.
Martin Kelner adds further evidence in the Guardian: ".on the whole, the jokes
have been better on ITV. Tyldesley, I thought, was cooking on Saturday. He
had the best Stig Tofting line. "Every time you see him," said Tyldesley, "you
can't help thinking he threw you out of a nightclub some time." (A beat.) "You
wouldn't try to get back in." But Andy Townsend is favourite at the moment for
Kelner's Golden Mike for the best joke of the World Cup. Gabby Yorath
announced yesterday morning that Diego Maradona had offered to coach
Argentina for free, because of the problems in the Argentinian economy. "The
biggest problem at the moment," countered Andy, "will be getting him into a
tracksuit."
Bigmouth called this one early last week - ITV are whupping the Beeb's butt.
Martin Kelner adds further evidence in the Guardian: ".on the whole, the jokes
have been better on ITV. Tyldesley, I thought, was cooking on Saturday. He
had the best Stig Tofting line. "Every time you see him," said Tyldesley, "you
can't help thinking he threw you out of a nightclub some time." (A beat.) "You
wouldn't try to get back in." But Andy Townsend is favourite at the moment for
Kelner's Golden Mike for the best joke of the World Cup. Gabby Yorath
announced yesterday morning that Diego Maradona had offered to coach
Argentina for free, because of the problems in the Argentinian economy. "The
biggest problem at the moment," countered Andy, "will be getting him into a
tracksuit."
BUT GARY NEV SCORES OWN GOAL
Another commentator adds: "I've also yet to work out exactly what Gary
Neville brings to the ITV party. Neville is regularly on the phone to his best
friend David Beckham, but, under the gentlest pressure from Des Lynam, he
won't tell us anything about their conversations. Essentially, then, Gary is paid
to sit there and withhold information. You have to congratulate Neville's agent
because that's an enviable little number that he has secured for his client:
money for no rope." [- yep, it's the same deal his brother has at Old Trafford.]
Another commentator adds: "I've also yet to work out exactly what Gary
Neville brings to the ITV party. Neville is regularly on the phone to his best
friend David Beckham, but, under the gentlest pressure from Des Lynam, he
won't tell us anything about their conversations. Essentially, then, Gary is paid
to sit there and withhold information. You have to congratulate Neville's agent
because that's an enviable little number that he has secured for his client:
money for no rope." [- yep, it's the same deal his brother has at Old Trafford.]
ADIDAS OUTFLANKED BY NIKE YET AGAIN?
After the several Adidas embarrassments we've noted here recently, a paper
notes:
"Possibly the best piece of forward-thinking thus far has come from Nike's
commercial department. Their current advertisements show many of the
world's leading footballers on a boat that sinks. Now that's prescience."
After the several Adidas embarrassments we've noted here recently, a paper
notes:
"Possibly the best piece of forward-thinking thus far has come from Nike's
commercial department. Their current advertisements show many of the
world's leading footballers on a boat that sinks. Now that's prescience."
ALAN GREEN MAKES SUPREME DICK OF HIMSELF
The normally mild-mannered Giles Smith sounds sick of the Ulster twat in the
Telegraph:
The normally mild-mannered Giles Smith sounds sick of the Ulster twat in the
Telegraph:
"Over on Radio 5 Live, the commentator Alan Green appears to have moved
himself to the top of his own World Cup agenda following an argument with
Terry Butcher about England's performance against Nigeria. Green thought
England should have pressed for victory; Butcher thought they had sensibly
taken the measure of the task at hand. Some listeners subsequently accused
Green of failing to ally himself wholeheartedly with the English cause which
may not, strictly speaking, be his job anyway.
himself to the top of his own World Cup agenda following an argument with
Terry Butcher about England's performance against Nigeria. Green thought
England should have pressed for victory; Butcher thought they had sensibly
taken the measure of the task at hand. Some listeners subsequently accused
Green of failing to ally himself wholeheartedly with the English cause which
may not, strictly speaking, be his job anyway.
It was a sparky little debate while it lasted, but it's probably safe to say it
wouldn't have been the first thing on the minds of people tuning in four days
later for the Denmark game. And yet Green prefaced his commentary from
Japan with a sermon of awe-inspiring self-indulgence and pomposity, a
riposte to his critics and a re-statement of first principles. The message was
that Green was who he was, would always be who he was, and if we didn't
like it, we could switch off. I switched off. Nothing I have heard during this
World Cup has made me more grateful that I live in an area where it's
possible to receive television."
wouldn't have been the first thing on the minds of people tuning in four days
later for the Denmark game. And yet Green prefaced his commentary from
Japan with a sermon of awe-inspiring self-indulgence and pomposity, a
riposte to his critics and a re-statement of first principles. The message was
that Green was who he was, would always be who he was, and if we didn't
like it, we could switch off. I switched off. Nothing I have heard during this
World Cup has made me more grateful that I live in an area where it's
possible to receive television."
ENGLAND'S MANC LADS TO FEEL AT HOME
Fans have been advised to bring umbrellas and raincoats to the remaining
matches in Japan, including the June 30 final. "The forecast is mostly cloudy
and rainy almost every day right until the final," said FIFA spokesman Keith
Cooper.
Fans have been advised to bring umbrellas and raincoats to the remaining
matches in Japan, including the June 30 final. "The forecast is mostly cloudy
and rainy almost every day right until the final," said FIFA spokesman Keith
Cooper.
BUTTYBOY BEATS SPIDERMAN
The Times reports: "Even the highly-publicised British debut of the film Spider-
Man could not compete with the football. Many seats at cinemas around the
country were empty, undermining hopes that the film would repeat its record
opening weekend in America."
The Times reports: "Even the highly-publicised British debut of the film Spider-
Man could not compete with the football. Many seats at cinemas around the
country were empty, undermining hopes that the film would repeat its record
opening weekend in America."
WOMAN SLAGS 'STUPID WIMMIN' SHOCK
Juliette Wills, who worked on '90 minutes' and is actually a decent girl, puts
the stilettos/studs in (from The Guardian)
Juliette Wills, who worked on '90 minutes' and is actually a decent girl, puts
the stilettos/studs in (from The Guardian)
"..Why do some women feel it necessary to wear T-shirts with slogans such
as "Football Free Zone" or "I'm An Idiot: I Could Just Turn Off The TV But I
Don't". The World Cup comes along every four years. Brookside is on, like, 16
times a week, forever..To top it all I saw an advert during Sex And The City
recently for a CD called The Chick Flick Soundtrack. A woman blathered on
about how "we" could forget the World Cup and listen to some old cack
instead, no doubt imagining women nationwide putting on their new CD and
dancing in front of the television just as Beckham steps up to take a free-kick,
"to get their own back on their partners" in a hilarious manner.
as "Football Free Zone" or "I'm An Idiot: I Could Just Turn Off The TV But I
Don't". The World Cup comes along every four years. Brookside is on, like, 16
times a week, forever..To top it all I saw an advert during Sex And The City
recently for a CD called The Chick Flick Soundtrack. A woman blathered on
about how "we" could forget the World Cup and listen to some old cack
instead, no doubt imagining women nationwide putting on their new CD and
dancing in front of the television just as Beckham steps up to take a free-kick,
"to get their own back on their partners" in a hilarious manner.
It's the women in stupid T-shirts who ruin their marriages, not their husbands
who only want to watch the football. For the two-television household, Sky has
produced a handy guide which on one side lists all the times of the World Cup
matches, and on the other tells you when fascinating programmes such as
Big Brother, Fear Factor and Kirsty's Home Videos are on. Great."
who only want to watch the football. For the two-television household, Sky has
produced a handy guide which on one side lists all the times of the World Cup
matches, and on the other tells you when fascinating programmes such as
Big Brother, Fear Factor and Kirsty's Home Videos are on. Great."
NICE DOOOBLE, MATE
EL Tel on the England v Argentina match: "We've got to squeeze Argentina,
otherwise Ortega will come from behind and cause us pain."
EL Tel on the England v Argentina match: "We've got to squeeze Argentina,
otherwise Ortega will come from behind and cause us pain."
[Gary Nev's ears prick up..]
SCOUSER: 'I'M CRAP BURGLAR'
People: SERIAL burglar Russell Nixon admitted to police who caught him red-
handed with a CD player and other loot: "I'm crap at breaking into houses." He
had travelled specially to the Wirral equipped with a torch and pair of gloves,
Liverpool Crown Court heard, but was nabbed after the second raid. Nixon,
37, was jailed for two years.
People: SERIAL burglar Russell Nixon admitted to police who caught him red-
handed with a CD player and other loot: "I'm crap at breaking into houses." He
had travelled specially to the Wirral equipped with a torch and pair of gloves,
Liverpool Crown Court heard, but was nabbed after the second raid. Nixon,
37, was jailed for two years.
[- fuck me, can't scousers do ANY jobs properly?]
'COUNTERFEIT CASH' MANC STILL IN NICK
M.E.N. reports: Mark Morris is still in a Japanese jail accused of counterfeiting
while police probe the level of the fraud throughout the Far East. The 40-year-
old Manchester man was arrested along with Stephen Rimmer from Burnley,
and Eamon Payne, from the West Midlands, after a counterfeit 50 dollar bill
was used in a bar at Sapporo, three days before England's crunch match
against Argentina. He will next appear in court on June 23.
M.E.N. reports: Mark Morris is still in a Japanese jail accused of counterfeiting
while police probe the level of the fraud throughout the Far East. The 40-year-
old Manchester man was arrested along with Stephen Rimmer from Burnley,
and Eamon Payne, from the West Midlands, after a counterfeit 50 dollar bill
was used in a bar at Sapporo, three days before England's crunch match
against Argentina. He will next appear in court on June 23.
Police in Japan and South Korea want to establish if any more counterfeit US
bills have been used in the region before deciding how to deal with Mr Morris.
Assistant Chief Constable Ron Hogg, from Durham, who is leading the British
operation is delighted with arrangements that he believes have changed the
whole image of English fans abroad. The Japanese authorities had feared an
invasion of English hooligans, but there has been little trouble so far. Police in
the UK seized the passports of 1,040 known troublemakers. ACC Hogg said
the low number of arrests was a "considerable achievement".
bills have been used in the region before deciding how to deal with Mr Morris.
Assistant Chief Constable Ron Hogg, from Durham, who is leading the British
operation is delighted with arrangements that he believes have changed the
whole image of English fans abroad. The Japanese authorities had feared an
invasion of English hooligans, but there has been little trouble so far. Police in
the UK seized the passports of 1,040 known troublemakers. ACC Hogg said
the low number of arrests was a "considerable achievement".
GOT TIME FOR A QUICK PUKE?
People: JUBILANT David Beckham made a heartfelt thank you call to his
"little sweetheart" Kirsty Howard last night for bringing him World Cup luck.
People: JUBILANT David Beckham made a heartfelt thank you call to his
"little sweetheart" Kirsty Howard last night for bringing him World Cup luck.
[ - Quick, hand me that bucket. Question: when England get knocked out, will
he send her a nasty letter slagging her off for running out of luck?]
he send her a nasty letter slagging her off for running out of luck?]
UNGRATEFUL YANK BASTARDS
Their team makes the last 8 but what does Newsweek have on its latest
cover?
Their team makes the last 8 but what does Newsweek have on its latest
cover?
"World Cup Falls Flat" over a pic of a punctured ball. Well, fuck off
then. Let the ever-brilliant Mark Steel of the Indie comment:
then. Let the ever-brilliant Mark Steel of the Indie comment:
".Football hasn't caught on in the States cos it's usually too evenly balanced-
they wonder why they're not allowed to fire hundreds of balls from 15,000 feet
away where they can't be tackled."
they wonder why they're not allowed to fire hundreds of balls from 15,000 feet
away where they can't be tackled."
DARWINISM IN ACTION PART 94
We continue our 'World Cup Injured Or Dead Knobheads' series with the
South Korean who set himself alight 'to help his team succeed as a 12th
ghost'. (!?!?) Doctors say 'he may be mentally ill'. No, really?
We continue our 'World Cup Injured Or Dead Knobheads' series with the
South Korean who set himself alight 'to help his team succeed as a 12th
ghost'. (!?!?) Doctors say 'he may be mentally ill'. No, really?
GREAT WELCOMES HOME PT 94
No 1966-style tomatoes for Portugal, but a big sign at the airport saying 'You
Are Physical And Mental Cripples'. In Portuguese, it sound much snappier, I
assure you.
No 1966-style tomatoes for Portugal, but a big sign at the airport saying 'You
Are Physical And Mental Cripples'. In Portuguese, it sound much snappier, I
assure you.
GREAT FOULS OF OUR TIME NO 94
Monday's outrageous calf-buster from the Mexican number 13 on Cobi Jones
with 3 mins to go. 'Remember the Alamo', anyone? It was almost Keansian in
its approach. Hats off!
Monday's outrageous calf-buster from the Mexican number 13 on Cobi Jones
with 3 mins to go. 'Remember the Alamo', anyone? It was almost Keansian in
its approach. Hats off!
GREAT INJURIES PART 94:
Abelda may miss the next Spain game with a twisted testicle.
Abelda may miss the next Spain game with a twisted testicle.
GREAT CHEATS OF ALL TIME PART 94
South Korea's Lee Yung Poo for his abysmal dive to get Portugal their second
and match-costing red card. Never touched but went over like a Klinsmann.
South Korea's Lee Yung Poo for his abysmal dive to get Portugal their second
and match-costing red card. Never touched but went over like a Klinsmann.
'Twas worse, in its context, than Rivaldo's Face Of God. No-one is mentioning
it cos we all love the plucky hosts don't we? No we don't, actually: FUCKING
CHEATS.
it cos we all love the plucky hosts don't we? No we don't, actually: FUCKING
CHEATS.
GREAT' RACISTS PART 94
Danish manager Morten Olsen: ".the African players clearly have those
[brutal] genes.we should never have taught them how to play football."
What is it with the Danes and their crayzeee racist remarks? Over to you in
the BBC studio for comment, then, Wrighty and Shmikes..
Danish manager Morten Olsen: ".the African players clearly have those
[brutal] genes.we should never have taught them how to play football."
What is it with the Danes and their crayzeee racist remarks? Over to you in
the BBC studio for comment, then, Wrighty and Shmikes..
GREAT CARTOONS PART 94
Monday's 'Matt' in the Telegraph has a traffic cop pulling over a motorist and
declaring "I'm cautioning you for failure to display an England flag."
Monday's 'Matt' in the Telegraph has a traffic cop pulling over a motorist and
declaring "I'm cautioning you for failure to display an England flag."
SCOUSERS ARE DAYLIGHT ROBBERY VICTIMS?
Lens now want £19 mill for the cheating twat Diuof instead of the £9mill
agreed pre-Wcup.
Lens now want £19 mill for the cheating twat Diuof instead of the £9mill
agreed pre-Wcup.
CELEB RED TO POKE CELEB TART?
Ralf Little and Jo Burke are mightily linked in Monday's Mirror, set alongside
catty comments about 'open legs on top shelves' from his ex, Lisa Rogers. I'd
rather see Jo's open legs on my shelf than your perennially open gob on my
telly, Lisa. Can't you give it a rest for a while? Your 15 minutes are over, love:
put the kettle on now, willya?
Ralf Little and Jo Burke are mightily linked in Monday's Mirror, set alongside
catty comments about 'open legs on top shelves' from his ex, Lisa Rogers. I'd
rather see Jo's open legs on my shelf than your perennially open gob on my
telly, Lisa. Can't you give it a rest for a while? Your 15 minutes are over, love:
put the kettle on now, willya?
LEMERRE HANDED REVOLVER; PL FROGS READY?
Roger Lemerre is still in a job but many say he'll resign after a decent interval.
Houllier and Wenger are both linked to the job in the French press this week.
Some nice unsettling speculation to come for AFC and LFC?
Roger Lemerre is still in a job but many say he'll resign after a decent interval.
Houllier and Wenger are both linked to the job in the French press this week.
Some nice unsettling speculation to come for AFC and LFC?
RED DEFENSIVE DUO DICHOTOMY
The Sunday Mirror reckoned we are about to pay Rennes £8mill for defender
Julien Escude, thus threatening Mickey S's career (we reported earlier in the
week that United were stalling on offering him a new gig). But the NOTW says
Silvo IS to get a massive £6m contract after all. You pays yer money..
The Sunday Mirror reckoned we are about to pay Rennes £8mill for defender
Julien Escude, thus threatening Mickey S's career (we reported earlier in the
week that United were stalling on offering him a new gig). But the NOTW says
Silvo IS to get a massive £6m contract after all. You pays yer money..
TUNA SNUBS SPUR FOR REDS
Benachour, OM's Tunisian star, is being chased by Spurs but says "my dream
is to play for United". Mine too, mate. Doesn't mean United are about to pay 4
million for me though.
Benachour, OM's Tunisian star, is being chased by Spurs but says "my dream
is to play for United". Mine too, mate. Doesn't mean United are about to pay 4
million for me though.